March 27th, 2010
|11:45 pm - Why me?|
Still no better.
I feel abandoned at the drop of a hat - a burden to everyone.
I almost don't want to go to sleep for fear of what is in my subconscious.
I know part of what's there, and it's trouble enough.
My dreams speak too much sometimes.
I need the strength to be able to survive when I'm alone, as well as the courage to venture out with others.
Isn't it obvious???
I'm not as happy-go-lucky, naive, or simple-minded as I pretend.
My world is a dark place filled with demons - only I usually have the power to keep them silent.
At least I know my weaknesses.
Current Mood: crappy
Current Music: O Whistle and I'll Come to thee
|Date:||March 28th, 2010 03:50 am (UTC)|| |
I'm sorry, I feel like I abandoned *everyone* today. I had good reasons, I had set up to maybe see Ellen if she ever felt up for it, and I myself was totally flagging around bridge-times... but I sucked really hard at expressing that to everyone and ended up feeling like a jerk as I walked away. Blah.
Aww, we know you're not a jerk. I can't imagine anyone thinking you did anything *wrong*. It felt a little awkward maybe... at least for me, since I could have gotten a ride w/Ray & Joey so you didn't have to drive out for such a short visit.
But I'm still just taking everything way too personally & being over sensitive.
|Date:||March 28th, 2010 11:54 pm (UTC)|| |
Unless it's a personal need, I see no reason to pretend to be naive or simple-minded. It's OK to have demons; allow your experiences to BUILD your character, instead of stomp on it. You are in control, even when it doesn't feel like it. & since you know what you're problems are, all you can do is work on it. It won't be forever, unless you let it.
|Date:||March 29th, 2010 02:10 am (UTC)|| |
Yeah, but what's a "personal need?" Sometimes I think I'm doing it for everyone else... They need someone to compare themselves to. Okay, I'm being kinda dumb about that...
But even Steve couches things around me. So I don't know what's up with that.
I try very hard to not over burden others with all my demons, that'd be impolite and not fair to them.
|Date:||March 29th, 2010 02:16 pm (UTC)|| |
Well, personal need would be NOT doing it for everyone else.
Having a public persona is normal. Everyone behaves a little differently in a social group than they do in private. When you're dealing with things that you don't want to burden others with, it could be something you need to cling to to get through "it." If to appear naive is helping you get through things, then it is important.
However, people are going to treat you according to the way you behave. If you don't want people to "couch" things, maybe clinging to a naive persona isn't actually helping you (anymore). It's okay to evolve your persona along with the rest of you. Eventually the veil between persona and person gets thinner. This is okay too, that is trust, people will catch-on.