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June 23rd, 2010

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02:03 am - I'm not crazy, I'm just drawn that way
So this past Saturday the Six Degree Singers had our Spring concert.  It was a "British Isles" theme and seemed to go pretty well.  Right before the very last song (one I was looking forwards to singing with awesome fiddle-accompanist Jamie), there was A Surprise .  Super-duper awesome for Steve (not my steve) and Carrie!  However, if you were watching carefully in the video, you may have noticed that I (sitting down stage right) didn't return back to the steps to sing but instead made a bee-line for the stage left exit. 

Yup yup, I had a panic attack from watching a marriage proposal.  I felt so stupid....  Yes, I did a good job of controlling myself, and getting myself away from everything, but still.  I freaked out due to excessive joy!  First time that's ever happened.  I feel like I can't trust myself out in public anywhere.  I might "accidentally" have an emotion.  ~grrrarrrgh~

I used to think I've been making good progress on dealing and stuff, but now I just learned I have more issues I hadn't even started to deal with.  

So I got my assignment for student teaching next year - at Montgomery Blair HS in Maryland (yes, the magnet school, but I won't be working with a magnet teacher).  What if I have a panic attack while teaching??  Is this "disorder" something that's going to be a burden in my professional life?  I already told the administrator of the Masters program I have "medical needs," but how far does it go?  I mean, people with diabetes or severe asthma or other physical maladies often make their differences public so that they can receive necessary care when they are disabled in the moment, but there aren't as many stigmas associated there.  I don't think of myself as disabled, but maybe I should?  So I can start giving myself the care and support I deserve...  Is there a guide anywhere?

And then Monday I went to my elementary school to help my mother with a memorial service she was running for a teacher who passed away two years ago due to cancer.  I never actually met Ms. Leete, and could only maybe match her name to a face, so I was there only to assist with the dedication/ unveiling/ logistical stuffs.  And of course it was emotional.  And I was crying for the majority of the program, with every beautiful thing a teacher or student had to say.  And I wished I had known her.  But even thought I was still weak from Saturday and filled with emotion again, I wasn't concerned.  This was just grief - which I know how to handle.  Consequently, nothing happened.

Well, except that when I got home I attacked the kitchen like I was under inspection.  I even got out the vacuum cleaner.  Yay me....

What do I want?  Consistency? 
Current Mood: draineddrained
Current Music: Take Me As I Am - Jekyll & Hyde

(2 comments | Leave a comment)


[User Picture]
Date:June 23rd, 2010 07:08 pm (UTC)
Have you spoken to your therapist about the panic attack at the concert?

You know - if that had happened....any week prior to the one it happened on, I would have had a panic attack too - but not for joy. If it had happened about 5 years ago, I would have been in hysterical tears.
[User Picture]
Date:June 23rd, 2010 07:22 pm (UTC)
No. Haven't had my appointment yet. Definitely will, though.

Are hysterical tears good or bad?

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