Wanna hear me rant^H^H^H^H think about teaching?

For my "Conducting Research on Teaching" class, I am required to keep a journal on my thoughts/observations/etc... about teaching and my own performance.

I'm a much better journaler with a keyboard, so I'm going to create a lock in this account to do so.  If you want to be a party to this, please feel free to comment and let me know.
I don't actually anticipate it being interesting, per se, but you'll at least get a glimpse into what I'm doing with myself these days and why I have no life ;)

I'll probably back date a few emails into entries as well.

Short update:

Not moving from the current apartment in Greenbelt.
It's cheap and already 3 bedrooms.

Commute to Blair might suck, though.
And I was looking forwards to the excitement of a "new" place.

If I ever feel up to it, I'll try to rehash how the drama played out last weekend, but it's stressful to think about.

  • Current Mood
    disappointed resigned

Notes to self

I need to stop being unhappy.
It only leads to me wanting what I can't (and shouldn't) have.

I also need to stop "trying to be clever" while playing defense in NT. 
That leads to them making their contract.
  • Current Music
    We Will Rise Again

I'm not crazy, I'm just drawn that way

So this past Saturday the Six Degree Singers had our Spring concert.  It was a "British Isles" theme and seemed to go pretty well.  Right before the very last song (one I was looking forwards to singing with awesome fiddle-accompanist Jamie), there was A Surprise .  Super-duper awesome for Steve (not my steve) and Carrie!  However, if you were watching carefully in the video, you may have noticed that I (sitting down stage right) didn't return back to the steps to sing but instead made a bee-line for the stage left exit. 

Yup yup, I had a panic attack from watching a marriage proposal.  I felt so stupid....  Yes, I did a good job of controlling myself, and getting myself away from everything, but still.  I freaked out due to excessive joy!  First time that's ever happened.  I feel like I can't trust myself out in public anywhere.  I might "accidentally" have an emotion.  ~grrrarrrgh~

I used to think I've been making good progress on dealing and stuff, but now I just learned I have more issues I hadn't even started to deal with.  

So I got my assignment for student teaching next year - at Montgomery Blair HS in Maryland (yes, the magnet school, but I won't be working with a magnet teacher).  What if I have a panic attack while teaching??  Is this "disorder" something that's going to be a burden in my professional life?  I already told the administrator of the Masters program I have "medical needs," but how far does it go?  I mean, people with diabetes or severe asthma or other physical maladies often make their differences public so that they can receive necessary care when they are disabled in the moment, but there aren't as many stigmas associated there.  I don't think of myself as disabled, but maybe I should?  So I can start giving myself the care and support I deserve...  Is there a guide anywhere?

And then Monday I went to my elementary school to help my mother with a memorial service she was running for a teacher who passed away two years ago due to cancer.  I never actually met Ms. Leete, and could only maybe match her name to a face, so I was there only to assist with the dedication/ unveiling/ logistical stuffs.  And of course it was emotional.  And I was crying for the majority of the program, with every beautiful thing a teacher or student had to say.  And I wished I had known her.  But even thought I was still weak from Saturday and filled with emotion again, I wasn't concerned.  This was just grief - which I know how to handle.  Consequently, nothing happened.

Well, except that when I got home I attacked the kitchen like I was under inspection.  I even got out the vacuum cleaner.  Yay me....

What do I want?  Consistency? 
  • Current Music
    Take Me As I Am - Jekyll & Hyde

A "colourful" meme!

The idea is, comment here and I will give you a color. Then, in your journal, list ten things you love that are that color.

Which is awesome, since I love color at least as much as I love the color BLUE!

shibakiei gave me YELLOW to work with, so here goes:

  • Well cooked egg yolks either fried over-medium or poached (with hollandaise sauce, which is also yellow)
  • Yellow squash (especially sauteed with onions)
  • Kraft three-cheese macaroni 'n cheese (yes, it's junk food, but salty cheesy goodness)
  • Yellow Submarine (the movie)
  • Forsythia (or as I like to call them, "forcynthia," even though I don't know any Cynthia)
  • Leaves on trees in fall - maples and the tuliptree
  • The first suitcase that was every really mine was yellow, with a red image of a bus on it.  It also had wheels and a pull-cord. 
  • BigBird's kinda always been my favourite Sesame Street character
  • Honeysuckle
  • Hertz/Penske trucks (only they're now all Penske)

That was more difficult than I thought it would be.  Especially after I got tired of thinking of yellow foods.
  • Current Music
    Yellow - Coldplay

Why me?

Still no better.
I feel abandoned at the drop of a hat - a burden to everyone.
I almost don't want to go to sleep for fear of what is in my subconscious.

I know part of what's there, and it's trouble enough.
My dreams speak too much sometimes.

I need the strength to be able to survive when I'm alone, as well as the courage to venture out with others.

Isn't it obvious???

I'm not as happy-go-lucky, naive, or simple-minded as I pretend.
My world is a dark place filled with demons - only I usually have the power to keep them silent.
At least I know my weaknesses.
  • Current Music
    O Whistle and I'll Come to thee

(no subject)

Watched 3 new movies this weekend! I wonder if that's the source of this migraine...

Let the Right One In
Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf
Annie Hall

None of them really struck me as all that interesting...
  • Current Music
    The Future Soon - Jonathan Coulton